Amusing Encounters of the linguistic Kind
A few days ago someone was reminiscing about slide-rules, and the conversation moved on to logarithms. Everyone agreed that seven-figure logs were dreadful, but four-figure logs were quite magical when we had never seen such things as calculators. A good-quality slide-rule could give two decimal places — enough for most practical purposes — and so much easier than logs!
You will have encountered the old joke, I’m sure: God told the snakes to go forth and multiply, but they were adders and therefore went into the woods and used logs. (Sorry!)
On the Amazon website there is far more entertainment than one might first imagine. Before buying anything from Amazon I always trawl through customers’ reviews, from 5* to no * at all, and was delighted to come across a customer who invited everyone to view all his comments. His pseudonym? Willie Eckerslike!
Some of you may have heard of my slight (?) problem with books and newspapers (especially the latter). I tend to keep all newspapers until I have read them — a mistake, as they pile up on my dining-room table. Since I barely find the time these days to read beyond the leader columns (page 2 of the main paper) on my way to the really important daily task — that of completing the Killer SuDokus on the back page of the supplement known as Times2 — there is just no hope for me. Why am I telling you this? Patience, dear reader! All will be revealed.
Some of my friends were enthusing about something called Kindle. I had come across it on the Amazon web site — in fact Amazon had e-mailed me, inviting me to buy one of these dinky little e-readers! Gradually the thought became implanted in my mind that such a device might well solve my problem with the table. If I stopped buying “proper” books and newspapers and turned to the electronic versions, there would be no further clutter on my table and I would be able to resume dining in style rather than having to clear myself a plate-sized area whenever I sat down to eat. (You should see what I have to do when I invite people for a meal … Shush! I’ll tell you on another occasion! All I will say is that inviting people to come to eat is not high on my list of priorities: I take them to a good restaurant instead — far more convenient, I assure you, and the food is better!)
Well! I wondered and wondered about the Kindle: to buy or not to buy — that was the question! I remained unconvinced, especially when I read some of the reviews about Kindle versions of newspapers. Nevertheless I eventually succumbed and bought a Kindle and am now enjoying the miracle of downloading whole books (mostly for under £4 a time — and some actually free!) and taking them on the train with me without needing to carry a heavy load in my suitcase! (More room for clothes, you see!) I have, however, heard such disappointing reports of The Times for Kindle that my tabular problem remains largely unsolved. Dear, dear! What a shame!
When I was still pondering the question, I encountered a comment on the Amazon website, something so amusing that I must share it with you here. A customer who had still not made up her mind about the Kindle said she was “undersided”. I burst out laughing.
On a more serious note: I have a piece of useful information to pass on to anyone contemplating the purchase of a Kindle. Are you aware that you can actually download e-books from the Amazon Kindle Store straight on to your computer or laptop? I have done that and now regret buying my Kindle (well, perhaps not entirely, since a computer, even a little netbook or a tablet, is less convenient for bed-time reading than a Kindle, which fits so snugly in the hand). Reading my Kindle downloads on my Netbook on a recent train-journey was a superb experience. I can recommend it.
Just download the free “app” (Kindle for PC) and off you go! You’ll not only save yourself the cost of a Kindle but you will also enjoy the benefits of reading on a larger screen.
Unfortunately, if you are addicted to crossword puzzles and Su Dokus (a misfortune in itself, some might say!), The Times for Kindle is useless, as it includes no puzzles whatever! I understand that things may soon improve, as other national dailies already produce rather good Kindle editions, though I fear the puzzles are still missing. In fact, I don’t see how any newspaper can work really efficiently on the Kindle because of its tiny pages.
Some months ago, determined to do something about my wretched table, I took out a subscription for the computer edition of The Times and The Sunday Times. Although I found them beautifully produced, the papers were awkward to navigate on my netbook (far better, of course, on the large-screen PC) and, again, not every part of the paper was included, though I believe it is complete now, apart from the colour supplements. If, however, one wishes to do a crossword puzzle or a Su Doku
Killer, as I do, one has to resort to a printer. I tried doing them on screen and found it inconvenient!
Again, for the sake of my table, I recently cancelled my order for the local newspaper, expecting an immediate improvement. I am sad to say that there has been no discernible change at all. Perhaps my problems are the result of my inability to throw things away. I also put post on my table every day — and there are still lots of books there too, purchased before my conversion to Kindle!
I am now going to try to put the table to the back of my mind! Wandering down the skincare aisle in one of the supermarkets, I encountered something I found hilarious. If you are seeking a remedy for hard skin or calluses you may come across a pedicure product which announces that it “will gently remove callous, hard skin”! Now, isn’t that wonderful?! The language is quite correct, of course,
since callous can be used of hardened skin, but it struck me as being so funny, the way I read it. I’ve met the odd callous, hard person (haven’t we all?) but … !
A friend and I were discussing inconsistency in the use of prepositions. One of my former students, brought up in London and now living in Surrey, always shocks me by referring to getting “off of” the bus. I find “off of” frightful! Why? It’s no different linguistically from “out of”, is it? I have come to the conclusion that it is simply a matter of euphony: “off” sounds so much more pleasant than “off of”, doesn’t it? The irony, though, is that the person who gets “off of” the bus will happily get “out” the car! It does make one think …
I have seen some remarkable misprints in a very funny book, A Steroid Hit the Earth: the
Catastrophic World of Misprints, by Martin Toseland, published by Portico Books. This book will make you howl! Here are some examples: “Chip shop owner battered man” (Gateshead Post) though I believe that was a deliberate pun rather than a mistake of any kind; “The bride was very upset when one of her little attendants accidentally stepped on her brain and tore it” (Kent Messenger); “Dog Kennel, suit medium-sized dog. Good condition. Very turdy. Buyer collects. £9.99
(Wisbech Standard); “For sale: 83 Ford Grandad (Express and Star, Wolverhampton) and, lastly, “An item which was deservedly appreciated and encored was Chopin's Polonaise 'Sea Minor'” (Wexford Free Press), rather more a display of ignorance than a misprint, I fear.
Yes! Misprints can be very amusing but they can also be quite serious. As someone once advised, we should beware of reading medical textbooks, as we could die of a misprint!
Funnier than any misprint, however, was this comment from a young Australian girl, speaking admiringly of the Queen on her recent tour: “She’s very kind but she has a bit of an accent”!
Yours linguistically,
